Wednesday, May 27, 2009

With no apology to Jeff Foxworthy (I hope he loves it)

There are three categories of drivers: 

Piggie Drivers, Jerk Drivers, & Psycho Drivers (better off in jail or dead). 

Ugly Little Piggies:

You might be Piggie Driver, if you use a cell phone while your vehicle (car, bicycle, skateboard, moped) is in motion. You are also a Psycho.

You might be a Piggie Driver, if you have to get to the stoplight first. You're keeping the brake shops happy, and buying enough gas to drain Alaska, though, so at least you're good for the economy. 

You might be a Piggie Driver, if your willingness to share your music is inverse to your taste in it.  In other words, if anyone besides you can hear the music on your car stereo. You are also a Jerk. 

You might be a Piggie Driver, if you think everyone enjoys the sound of your exhaust as much as you do. (No one does, that's why you're a Piggie- especially if you drive a truck or motorcycle of any kind.)

You are definitely a Piggie Driver if you turn into the turn lane next to the lane you want, then push your way into the lane you want  by cutting into the line. Depending on how obnoxious you are about it, this also makes you a Jerk, and a Psycho. 

Jerk Drivers:

You might be a Jerk Driver if you think you drive just fine while talking on a  handheld cell phone. You are also a Psycho. 

You might be a Jerk Driver if you aren't sure what the black numbers on the white signs mean, or can't read them. 

You might be a Jerk Driver if your dog is a better driver than you. It must be, it's in your lap. Just let the dog drive, it would be safer. 

You might be a Jerk Driver if you have to be in the fastest moving lane. Of course your time is more important than anyone else's. Your life must be, too. Maybe you didn't read the statistics about the driver being most likely to die, in any accident. 

You might also be a Jerk Driver, if you think this article isn't about you. It's about all the people driving too slowly who don't get out of your way. Of course, you are also the only person on the planet. Must be lonely up there. 

You are a Jerk Driver, if your car stinks. Of anything. Including air freshener. 

Psycho Drivers (move into a nice padded room now, and save lives!)

You are a Psycho Driver, if you talk or text on a handheld mobile device while your vehicle is, or will be, in motion. *

 "Cell phone distraction causes 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries in the United States every year, according to the journal's publisher, the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society."

You might be a Psycho Driver, if every stoplight is just a race to get to the next one. (You might be part of the economic stimulus, and you might get your stems pulled by an annoyed co-existant on the roads)

You might be a Psycho Driver, if you think you are perfectly safe, on an interstate, in broad daylight.

You might be a Psycho Driver, if you don't wear a seat belt and secure your kids safely. On the other hand, you might be saving us all from kids who didn't inherit enough brain cells to figure it out.  We could be grateful for that, and sorry about your kids. 

You are a Psycho Driver who belongs in jail, permanently, life sentence, if you do not obey state law at pedestrian crossings and stop.

You are a Psycho Driver, if you don't keep an eye out for bicycles & motorcycles, and treat them like you would a car (given they act in accordance with traffic laws- and if they don't, maybe you should get to know each other).  

You might be a Psycho Driver, if you think this isn't about you. ("Don't you, don't you".. cue Carly Simon..) 

It's a free country, but only so free as we extend courtesy to others to be free, as well (and not die because you were ordering pizza).

"You’ll notice that I try not to use the word “accident” on this blog or podcast. That is because there’s no such thing as an “accident”. The word implies that no one is at fault, that it was truly a random act. Well, if you get swallowed up by a fissure in an earthquake or hit by a meteor, I’ll allow that as legitimate use of the word, but if you are in two-vehicle collision, somebody made the final mistake. "

For more info:

*handsfree isn't that much better-- I have some 20 years of multiple martial arts 'under my belt' and find talking to someone, even handsfree, too distracting to drive with what I think of as a reasonable margin of safety. 

If you think you can do better, try swinging a three foot razor blade for fun. 

Meanwhile, I suggest that anyone with an attention span invest in a simple stem puller, and not hesitate to use it, on the deserving. 

No comments: