Saturday, February 07, 2009

I used to train sometimes with a bluesman named Guy Forsyth. 

As my life slowly crumbled, down in Texas, I would go to his shows to just sit in my darkness and soak up the blues. I didn't realize how black the cloud was around me, until my own aikido teacher (who was part of this little experimental back yard dog training group) appeared in front of my out of the smog of Antone's, and asked if he could sit there. I was so glad to see a friendly face, and I was pretty close to this person.. despite all of our personal difficulties, we had a deep congruence. 
He sat there with me, another girl came over and I watched him flirt with her, and felt safe and, somehow, watched over. 

There, in the smoky dinge, I drank in the blues and understood my basic dilemma. 

I was not, where I belonged. 
I was not doing the work I am here to do. 
The purpose began to hammer at me back in 1995.. you must give up everything, to do what you want. 

I never had the slightest idea what that meant. 
I just started throwing things around. 

My original evolution, started when I put on Japanese pajamas and started trying to deal with the problem of conflict with another. 

Unbelievable, the myriad of problems which present themselves in this paradigm. 
Remember, the mantra never left me. "You must give up everything, to do what you want". 

So I started to look at what I wanted. 
And I did not understand. 

For four years, I did not understand. 
These years were dark and tangled, full of terrible optimism crushed, full of unrealized dreams, full of a house I helped build from concept to ground to nail, stone & glass, and walked away from. 

The possibilities of that house, still haunt me. 
The one I am in now, is much like it. It is also like our house from Germany, so it is appealing on multiple levels. The garden area is small, but I think I can wrangle extra from the garden-happy neighbor. I love the idea of a communal garden. 

I love the idea of going to earth, to find sustenance. It's just part of my nature. 
If the world were to end, I'd gather my things and go into the woods, to create a place of healing and sustenance. This is what I have seen people in this area do, and I am quietly waiting to find my place, once people know who I am, and what I do. 

I am still solving that riddle. 
I am still listening to the blues, to solve it. 

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