Saturday, January 30, 2010

I've made it through all kinds of crazy.
These days, my life is a kind of freefall..

"The world has made me the man of my dreams" (M'shell Ndegeocello)
I am standing in a profoundly centered place.

I earned it, and I was given it.
If I had not earned it, I would not have been given it.

Last year, I made more than my father ever made in one year.
I talked to him tonight, and he told me.

"Others have excuses, I have my reasons why". (Nickel Creek)

There is a beautiful, delicate place where we can combine our vocations, avocations, passions and talent, and some years of hard work, fear and absolute, abject risk to make something happen which surpasses our own being.

I got to do that.

I really got to step into a training program which prepared me to help people in some unprecedented ways, very mechanical, very basic.

Then I got to do it, in one of the most stressful of places.. an Army post.
I did some work with German people as well, as they kept calling me, and I had to start a practice on the German side, speaking German, with the help of a German apothecary owner.

Once I had made my way in the German and Army environments (the struggles in the latter were epic) just showing up and setting up a practice in Frederick was a freakin' cake walk. Hell, practicing with German clients in German was a cake walk, compared to dealing with the Army. Some clients preferred to see me off post.

My ambition shows up in some very weird ways..
I want SI to have its own legislative movement, I want us away from massage.
It is not relevant, applicable, or helpful for us. I wish it was.. But we really need to pick up our own torch and keep moving.

Once upon a time, I was the train wreck "waiting to happen" well I've happened, and I'm over it.

I'm as ruined as I care to be, and I will do what I can to spare anyone following my bitter steps, a little suffering.

Don't try so hard. Every little bit you try, helps you. Stay with that.

Ask what you are compensating for. You may never get an answer, but at least you will have asked.

Don't think breaking yourself, means anything.
There are ways to experience breaking, that won't hurt you.
Try them first.. because physical injuries last. Don't accept emotional injury either.
Find healthy challenges. NEVER accept abuse.

Don't ever turn your development over to anyone else.
I don't care what level you are working on, no guru can see you.

You have to do your own Work, and you have to be uncompromising.
It is ugly, it is terrible, it is uncomfortable and, in the end, liberating.
Freedom can be awful, too.

Welcome to my freefall.

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