Thursday, November 16, 2006

A few weeks ago, I said some thing I came to regret, online. Not because they weren't true. Perhaps because they were. The person I aimed them at is someone I think should be an icon, but has instead become a kind of liability. The details don't matter. I was miserable about my own gracelessness and lack of tact, though people have told me I was perfectly tactful. I think it is my Jekyll/Hyde problem, that I have cultivated a fluffy bunny skin to keep my dragon's teeth in.

My sensei observes that, in and out of kata, my entire body language changes. I take little lady steps in, great ferocious strides within the irimi, the practical part of the kata, and little lady steps out. It's an interesting interface between socialization, training, and nature.

I found a deep well of ferocity and rage, when I thought my teacher or my old dojomates might be hurt. I didn't care what others thought, I was going to defend my family. The fangs and claws and "dragon breath" came out, and I lost control and let it go. I lost control because of some bodywork which tore down some of the careful architecture of my limitations, I lost control because of some Spanish red wine and I lost control because I am so devoted to my old dojo family. I let that message fly, and fried in my own sweat and regret all night. I was ashamed at my lack of control. This was the central issue. I was terrified at this lashing out at the same person, again, over issues I can never change, issues my "family" can and will deal with. Issues this teacher knows about, and wrestles with on a very personal level. I know it's his fight, and I know he's trying to do the right thing. It just didn't work for me, and I couldn't communicate why, so I did what an INFJ does. I left. It's an awkward theme for me. I can't explain it because it would hurt too many feelings, and I leave. It explained my ex-marriage as well.

My old teacher said "I believe our training is not only to end conflict, but not to begin it. I hope your ire will cool but never your fierce heart."

I came out, apologized, and rededicated myself to my training.
I have done so on an unprecedented level. Every time I face the dragon, I change.

This place is very deep and very soft. This place, I just try to do what's good for me, and listen to other people about what I should do. My sense of self is well-developed enough for me to have an automatic filter. But in terms of the true basics: how to exercise, what to eat, what to drink, how to train-- I've had enough of my own advice. Certainly there are things that work for me, such as staying away from sugar and wheat and getting lots of "walkies". I've enlisted a personal trainer, and sworn off my own old black belt, on the mat. I try to see everything as for the first time. Lordy, I'm trying not to say "I" so often. I want to hear what other people are saying. I can listen to myself anytime. I have picked up the brush and the pencil again, and that's a miracle in and of itself. That, and the complete redesign of my web site, will keep me amused all winter. There is nothing like trying for complete compliance with what you see, to make you calm and whole.
I am trying to walk into the world assuming nothing.
Don't assume, however, that this has anything to do with conformity. Just listening, and doing my best to learn.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...