Sunday, August 29, 2010

My very favorite season here.. windows open, birds chirping, crickets "crikking".. cool air drifting in, and feeling so delicious.
The days ahead may be humid yet, but I've got my taste of fall!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Our adventure to Japan has so many layers, for both of us.

For Chuck, it's this mysterious history he has inherited. I am really a kind of blind participant in that, excluded from the internal conversation, just a student. Yes, even me. Our relationship is like that, we have some weird walls that would piss other people off, that we just accept.

For me, it's truly unknown ground.
I don't buy that Japan is the be-all/end-all of budo training.
I do understand that it is the source. I also understand that modern Japanese culture is not so interested in all this archaic stuff... and we bonkers gaijin are.

I understand that it could be one of those truly world-shifting trips.. but I really don't know how that's going to happen.

On a deeply personal note, I will get to see my old friend David there. I saw him back in March, in Austin.. I engineered my trip to coincide with his, and we just picked up where I left off.

Listening to Susan Tedeschi's "Tired of my Tears" is pretty applicable here.

There are rooms and rooms of Old History in Austin, Texas.
Some of them belong to me.

I choose to remember where they are, and mostly live without them.
They do better without me, and I do better, without them.

I go back to Austin, and fall into the routes and ruts I lived in, all too easily.

It's hard to admit, and communicate, that I have let go of my roots.
It's also not really true. My map and compass of the world, will always show Austin, Texas, as home.

However, I can neither afford nor survive it.

Even where I am, is simply a holding place.

I am a person in transit, until I find my place.

Sometimes it astonishes me, just wandering around in the world.

The way people act, and don't act.

I keep such standards for myself, and those around me, and I am so often challenged by the integrity of those around me.

Those who surpass me, who inspire me to Pay Attention.
Those who have no attention to their place in society, those who don't care how their inaction allows problems in other people's lives, they also inspire me.

Not in a nice or friendly way.

The life of an Old Country Texan is full of all kinds of personal responsibility.
I spent every day in the company of a .357 Ruger.
I had to take responsibility for that.
I had 45 acres I was responsible for defending from dumpers, trespassers, and other morons.
I was always armed.

Now, in Maryland, I have a little more faith in the FPD, but I still need some firepower.. contemplating and negotiating.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

You know, I've been back in the US for over two years, and I am just exhausted with the changes. My changes began over three years ago with cg's medical odyssey. I do not include my own shoulder separation in this. I didn't let it slow me down much professionally.. just now am I addressing it. It really broke my heart that I couldn't do jujutsu any more, but I am a practical person. I can still do weapons, and I love those.
The prolotherapy is Slowing Me Down! but I can sleep on my left shoulder again.. and that is a beautiful thing..

The changes in the business, the changes in myself. The changes in my environment.
I haven't bothered to track them all, but I think it's time that I did.
My very work is about change, and I have to change so much, myself, to contain the work I do.

First of all, I have to adapt to the work I offer to others.
Second, I have to grow into the work.
Third, I have to work out where I am growing into the work, and where I can offer it.

Then we can get into Where I offer it, pay rent, advertise, work the system, deal with inquiries, adjust marketing message, and so on.

I have started over five times, at least, in the last 10 years, to keep up with what I am doing with my practice.

I am at a place where I am still growing into the work, still growing the work, and still getting to know my network, and it is all working for me!

It's like I finally struggled out of the womb, breathed, and am learning to crawl.

Now, I have to stay in place long enough to get to walk.

I haven't had that chance, professionally, before.
With our landing in Frederick, my practice has taken off, with some networking.
His job is predictably federally miserable, but the path he has invested in, with me as his 401K, prohibits him uprooting my practice as anything resembling sensible.

At least in my practical mind.

He worked hard for me to get what I have, the qualifications I earn my way with, here.
He should be eager to reap those benefits.
He has applied for jobs in Schweinefurt and Heidelburg. That would be great in about 5 years, but for the next short time, it means an unaccompanied tour, because I will not leave my practice.

My practice, which was the focus of thousands of hours, and almost my entire income while we were in Germany, meant to finance our life together and eventually his retirement, is something he would just trade out, to get away from where he is.
I get that it is very stressful for him, I would like to get him out of there, but this has happened in every job I have ever observed him in. He gets into a bad situation politically, and wants to bail geographically, rather than solving local problems. It's a model he grew up with.
It's easier to bail.

Because I have become exhausted by the change of venue option, my choice is to dig in and fight. Not because I think here is special, in fact, I think the city of Frederick is a lost cause of redneck morons and over-tolerant liberals. The Harleys need to shut up, and the dogs, and people need to put cigarettes in trash cans, and trash in trash cans.. not on the street for everyone to see, proclaiming "Frederick is full of Trash!" which would not arguably be untrue.

This is where I have landed, and I am too fucking annoyed, and tired, to go anywhere for a while.

I don't think I want to "retire" here, but I haven't decided where to take that step.